


learning to breathe

by ignitesthestars



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, M/M, Processing, Romance, mid s7
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-25
Updated: 2018-08-25
Packaged: 2019-07-02 05:32:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15789963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ignitesthestars/pseuds/ignitesthestars
Summary: Sensible Keith knows he’s being an idiot.Once upon a time he might have told Sensible Keith where to shove it, but two years on a space whale with your long lost alien mother had a way of tempering...well, everything. And if he’s being honest with himself, Keith has been enjoying the shift. It turns out that when you’re less keyed up about life, the universe, and everything, it’s a lot easier to just be.Keith is maybe even starting to like himself a little bit. Which is how he knows that this feeling, the clinging guilt and inadequacy, is stupid.





	learning to breathe

Sensible Keith knows he’s being an idiot.

Once upon a time he might have told Sensible Keith where to shove it, but two years on a space whale with your long lost alien mother had a way of tempering...well, everything. And if he’s being honest with himself, Keith has been enjoying the shift. It turns out that when you’re less keyed up about life, the universe, and everything, it’s a lot easier to just be.

Keith is maybe even starting to like himself a little bit. Which is how he knows that this feeling, the clinging guilt and inadequacy, is stupid. 

And yet. Here he is in a quiet corner of Black’s hull, his lion managing the blunt work of flying forward into eternity in the general direction of Earth. Ostensibly, he’s taking a break - Krolia had insisted and Keith had had agreed that it didn’t make any sense for them all to stand sentinel when the lions were fully capable of moving in a straight line on their own.

“We won't be able to fight if we're not rested,” he'd pointed out, which had the double effect of drawing a smile from from Krolia and Shiro, while also shutting the rest of the crew up in shock.

Maturity had its advantages.

On the flipside, maturity makes it hard to lie to yourself. Not impossible, but certainly more difficult. The space wolf pricks his head up with a soft whine as Keith knocks his forehead into his knees, heaving a sigh. The urge to bury his hands in his hair is strong, so he doesn’t deny it. Not like anyone else is--

“Everything okay?”

 _Fuck_.

Space wolf (Keith still refuses to use Kosmo) turns traitor as Shiro steps into the small space, evaporating into nothingness. Whether he’s gone to join Krolia or one of the others on their lions is impossible to know, and Keith can’t go find out because Shiro is blocking the exit.

Of course, if Shiro knew how badly Keith wanted to run, he’d probably let him go. But letting _that_ slip would only serve to hurt the older man, and Shiro has been hurt more than enough for the two lifetimes he’s lived. 

Keith pulls his head away from his knees, drapes his arms over them in his best effort at ‘casual’ instead. “Yeah, fine. Just taking a break from staring out at infinity. Got more than enough of that with mom.”

Something like a smile crosses Shiro’s face, and Keith’s heart shudders to a stop. Not for long, barely half a second, but it’s enough to hit play on the _stupid stupid stupid_ track in his brain.

“It’s still amazing to hear you say that,” Shiro says softly.

“What, infinity?”

“ _Mom_ , Keith.”

“Oh.” He manages a grin, looking at his hands. “Yeah. That’s pretty cool.”

They lapse into a silence that - well, it starts out comfortable, enough that it feels almost like old times. Neither Keith nor Shiro have ever felt the need to talk that much, but maybe that was before the silence was holding so many bombs at bay.

“Is it okay if I stay?” Shiro asks finally. Keith hates the hesitancy in his tone, the way he’s clearly expecting a ‘no’. “I can leave you alone, if you’d rather. I know that there’s a lot...going on right now.”

The _between us_ isn’t said, but it sits there anyway. The temptation to feign ignorance is overwhelming, but Keith’s pretty good at not giving into temptation these days. He clasps one hand around the other, tugs at his fingers. Let’s go.

“It’s fine,” he says. “I don’t mind.”

Shiro sighs, leaning back against the door behind him and sliding down until he’s on the floor like Keith. There’s little enough space that they’re feet nearly touch, opposite each other. He thinks he might have jerked away, once, but he’s come too close to losing Shiro too many times to really care about what might be read into accidental contact these days. Even if his mind is running in circles caring about everything else.

He drags his eyes from Shiro’s feet to his face, only to find Shiro already looking at him. _He looks tired_ , Keith thinks. _No, worried. Both?_

“So,” Shiro says, rubbing the back of his neck. “I’m gonna throw something out there, and if you want to talk about it we can. If you’d rather process on your own, we can just sit here. Or I can go. Whatever you want.”

“I already told you I wanted you to stay,” Keith blurts, which is _not_ what he said, and the startled way Shiro’s eyes widen says he’s noted the difference too. Maybe he should have asked him to go. 

But then something in the shoulder Shiro’s rubbing seems to unknot. His legs relax, and this time their toes do touch. Like something that had been irritating that stupid chiseled head of his has been abruptly soothed, and Keith can’t bring himself to regret the mistake.

Shiro ducks his head, clearing his throat. “Noted. The rest still stands, though. I know I’m not exactly in the position to ask you for anything right now.”

Keith considers that for a moment before calmly and clearly settling on an appropriate response.

“Shiro, what the hell are you talking about?”

“You’ve been avoiding me.”

Oh.

“And I’m not saying I blame you. I don’t, at all. I’m kind of impressed that you’ve managed it actually, Black’s not _that_ big.” He sighs. “I know there’s no point in apologising more. I just - wanted you to know that if there’s anything you need me to do that can help, I’ll do it.”

 _Kiss me._ The thought is immediate, inappropriate, and enough to send Sensible Keith screaming off into the abyss. Two years on a space whale with his alien mother, and the thing that sends him over the edge is the earnest look on Shiro’s stupid, stupid face. 

Faking calm, Keith carefully reaches for the nearest projectile - his jacket, balled up next to him. Not breaking eye contact, he throws it, right at Shiro’s head.

“Wh - Keith!”

“Honestly, I think too many people called you a prodigy back at the Garrison. And then you come to space and it’s Champion this, Champion that. Bad for your ego and your brain.”

“Y’know, if you’re just going to insult me you can probably go back to avoiding me,” Shiro says, but there’s a reluctant grin playing about his mouth when he pulls the jacket away from his face. Keith wants to press his lips to it, explore the edges of it with his own mouth, turn it into a gasp or a moan or--

 _‘You’re my brother’, Jesus. Could have said anything in the world and that’s what I went with._ Maybe Shiro’s brain wasn’t the only one that needed help.

“I’m not - okay, maybe there’s a little bit of avoiding, but I’m not avoiding _you_ ,” he protests.

Shiro raises his eyebrows at him. Keith scrubs a hand over his face, rests his chin on his knees and tries not to look too miserable. The worst part is, he knows he can stop the conversation right here. That Shiro, confidence too wounded from what he’d done as a clone (what Haggar had made him do, what she had turned him into), would let him go and not press it and both Sensible and Absurd Keith can avoid dealing with anything too awkward or uncomfortable until the heat death of the universe.

But that wouldn’t be fair on Shiro. And really, that’s the only argument that matters. So Keith looks down at his feet and if he mumbles a little with the next part, he doesn’t think anyone could blame him. It’s growth. He’s growing.

“I was avoiding me, being around you,” he says. “Not because of what the witch made you do, not because I’m traumatised by the fight, not because you _did_ anything.”

That part’s easy. Not blaming Shiro is the easiest thing he’s ever done in his life. The other man looks like maybe he wants to speak up, but senses Keith’s need for silence and refrains. Lets him work through the feelings, picking through the dictionary of his brain until he has the exact words that he needs to make things clear. 

“You were a clone, Shiro,” he says finally. “You were a clone, and I didn’t notice. Because I was off with the Blades, trying to find myself and avoiding - god, do you know how relieved I was when I thought we’d found you? Not just because it was you and we - _I_ needed you. But because it meant I didn’t have to lead anymore. I didn’t have to bear that pressure. I could run off with the Blades and leave you to it and tell myself I was doing the right thing for the team.”

“Hey. You were doing what you needed to--”

Keith twisted a smile at him. “Like Pidge needed to find her family? Like Hunk and Lance needed to see theirs and make sure they knew they were okay? Face it. I was selfish, and we all got hurt because of it. _You_ got hurt.”

There’s a ragged edge to his voice that he can’t swallow down, and he watches it scrape up against his friend. Sees confusion flare, understanding hard on its heels. Feels it settle into - relief? Sometimes Keith thinks he knows Shiro like the back of his hand, and sometimes Shiro is a clone. 

The older man pushes himself off the door with the help of his back, balancing onto his knees. Keith swallows, drawn to his face like a moth to a lamp, unsure just what is coming next.

“Mind if I touch?” he says, gesturing with his hand. Keith nods mutely, eyes sliding shut as he tucks his fingers under his chin, calloused thumb easing over the scar on his cheek.

It’s stopped hurting, which only means that the flash of heat searing through his veins is because of something else entirely. Something just as dangerous to their friendship as crossed blades and bared teeth.

“Sometimes,” he murmurs, “we’re thrown into situations beyond our control. We make bad decisions, or good decisions that still hurt people. Sometimes there’s no right choices to make at all. I’m sorry that you felt like it was too much weight to bear, Keith, and I’m sorry you felt like you had to leave. But what you gained while you were gone - for yourself _and_ for Voltron - that had worth as well.” 

Despite himself, despite everything, Keith leans into the touch. He can feel Shiro’s breath shudder out over his face, wonders just how close he is. Close enough to feel knees against his ankles, thighs against his shins. No idea where his head is, and a little too terrified right now to find out.

“It’s not a zero sum game,” Shiro finishes. “There’s not a galactic accountant sitting out there somewhere, tallying up all our wins and losses. There’s only us, doing the best we can with what we have.”

Keith feels boneless all of a sudden. Like all the tension in his body has abruptly run up, muscles that have felt tight and awful since the fight at the cloning facility, longer, abruptly unspooling and leaving him a melted mess on the floor of his Lion. He lets his head thunk back against the wall for a second, every nerve firing in his face where Shiro’s fingers touch his skin, except that has the unfortunate effect of making Shiro think he needs to _stop_.

Keith never wants to stop. He doesn’t even want to move, but he does it to stop Shiro from pulling back, finally summoning the courage to _look_ again as his own hand snaps up, wrapping around Shiro’s wrist.

The older man’s lips part, like he’s about to say something else. Like he _needs_ to. Sensible Keith has long since fled the scene, leaving the part of him that desperately wants to kiss his oldest friend in the pilot’s seat.

“Okay,” he rasps, because using his voice properly feels a little beyond him right now. “Okay. But you know that little pep talk applies to you as well, right? This isn’t an everyone in the world except Takashi Shirogane thing. No one in the universe could say you didn’t do the freaking best with what you have. The fact that you’re even _here_ right now speaks for that.”

Shiro snorts, ducking his head. His fringe flops forward, brushing the crown of Keith’s head. Keith might just die. 

“To think all this time I thought I was looking out for you,” he says. “You couldn’t just leave me to wallow in - what did you say? My ego and my brain.”

“Never.”

It sits there for a beat too long, the word holding more weight than its technical meaning would seem able to bear. Shiro’s eyes seem impossibly dark in the low light, and Keith can feel his pulse thrumming under his grasp - not out of control, but just a little faster than normal. Anticipatory.

God, this is going to kill him either way. 

Well, if he’s going to die, he’s not going out a coward.

“Shiro.”

“Mmhm?”

“Can I kiss you?”

Shiro blinks, but it’s not the sort of look that says he’s surprised by the request. Another smile tugs at the corner of that impossible mouth, and Keith gets the distinct feeling he’s being _laughed at_.

“I don’t know. You sure you want to kiss your brother, K - _ow_.”

Keith shifts his free hand out of a fist, moving from where he slugged Shiro in the shoulder to wrap in the fabric of his shirt instead, tugging the distance between them closed.

“Shut up,” he growls, doing exactly what he’s wanted this whole time and testing the bounds of that smile with his lips.

Shiro grins into the kiss, and does.

 

**Author's Note:**

> thank u for reading! i'm on [twitter](https://twitter.com/ignitesthestars) and also taking voltron prompts on my [tumblr!](http://ignitesthestars.tumblr.com/post/177251536150/hi-hello-my-name-is-hannah-and-i-am-also-one)


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